Sorry, Y’all, Covid Isn’t In The Texas Suburbs.

That sucks for the rest of y’all, but whatevs.

I don’t know if y’all heard, but Covid is skipping over the ‘burbs here in Texas.

Sure, babe, rumors fly about kids’ classmates’ parents and neighbors of neighbors and idiot college kids. But, it’s biz as yoosh for the rest of us aside from our hubbies working from the casa in their undies and us spending more time with our kids than is, like, humane. Pretty sure there’s something in The Constitution about cruel and unusual punishment, so those teachers better get their asses — I mean, acts — together for the fall!

Y’all even seen how the rest of the world is already opening up?! Like, even the Eiffel Tower! No Americans allowed in, tho… Since our ‘Rona numbers are climbing faster than that dude on Free Solo, we are not invited to the party. That’s psycho because those countries are super dependent on our tourist $$$. It’s as if they value their old peeps over profits, which is totes strange and illustrates our cultural divide even more than the fact that they don’t put ice in their cokes.

It was funny the other day when I saw this conversation on Facebrag where someone asked what Europeans call “Karens,” and the answer was, “Americans.” I don’t get it, but I giggled like I did. (cough)

Still, I cray-cray need a vacay. So, my fam and I have decided to join the truckloads of Texans heading to Colorado, cause they ain’t France, and can’t keep us out! HA! It’s like we’re Exodus in the Bible! A friend of mine who lives there told me her eye starts to twitch every time she sees a Texas license plate — but I’ll be darned if I’m not going to get me some epic summer pics for my Insta even if it kills us or someone else. (cough!)

What is super awesome about my community is all the yard signs people have from their churches sayin’, “We’re all in this together!” and, “Don’t give up hope!”(cough, cough) and then the name of the church at the bottom. It’s almost like they’re taking advantage of the crisis to advertise, but I’m pretty sure that would piss off Baby Jesus, so prolly not. (Cough! Wheeze!)

The news keeps reporting the numbers are climbing, but the channel my hubby watches says its from all those Black Lives Matter protests. And, it’s like, if a whole big bunch of them can all get together outdoors to demand an end to systemic, endemic racism that prevents black people from even (cough!) participating or surviving in our legal, civic, and economic processes, surely, I can have a happy-hour with my best gal pals and their hubs and kiddos and a few other fams for a cornhole-block-party-neighbor-night-out. It’s the same difference. (wheeze, cough, cough!)

Now, I do know some military families who have loved ones overseas and that sucks huge donkey balls that y’alls in uniform have to stay put until we get Covid under control. I wish I could do something about it, I really do. I just don’t see how not getting my roots done and going out for weekly — (COUGH! ’Scuse me, my goodness! COUGH!) — Tuesday Tacos and ‘ritas is going to help anybody. And I need a mani-pedi before my husband divorces me for some buxom college drop-out, so we all really need to stay focused on our priorities.

Photo by Enrique Macias on Unsplash

People say no one will take Covid seriously until someone they know gets it or dies from it, and I see that. It’s like, if it was one of those plagues where people were shittin’ and pissin’ blood and coughin’ blood and bleedin’ from their eyes and ears and had sores all over, sweatin’ like pigs, like Ebola, (COUGH, WHEEEEZE, Jesus, it’s like a can’t breathe, cough! cough! ) we’d take it seriously. Oh well.

Even then, (hack! cough!) what makes America great is our conveniences and we’ll go to goddamn war, to get to Target in rushhour — I’ll tell you that right now, bucko. That’s why everyone wishes they were us.

Y’all. We can get whatever we want. Whenever we want it. Whether its donuts or a foot message or a blowout birthday party for our toddler they will never forget! This is, like, the most convenient country on the freaking planet and that’s our way of life and we are proud to die for it or for other people we don’t even know to die for it. (GASP! COUGH! HACK! I can’t smell anything? Can you smell anything?)

We’re so courageous and brave, some of the men on our street decided to huddle-up and talk “firearm arsenals” in case looters come to take our hard-earned flatscreens and bottles of Xanax. (WHEEEEEEEZE! Kinda seems like I can’t catch my breath..) I swear, some of those men were walkin’ around with hard-ons afterward. It was cute, like they were in the boyscouts again or livin’ out some fantasy they never got to have since they’re salesmen who work on commission or accountants, most of the time. They sure as hell wouldn’t wear a mask even when I told them it would make them look like bandits or out-laws. (cough! hack! GAASSSSSP!)

Listen, y’all. I am sorry the Rest Of Everywhere has Covid, I really am. But it’s just not here in the suburbs because we have a forcefield of Jesus or it’s overblown in the media or somethin’. I know they’re sayin’ Texas is setting record Covid numbers and I just laughed and said, “Well! That’s Texas! Go big or go home, y’all!” (COUGH! COUGH! SWEETIE, I CAN’T BREA — !)

Completely inappropriate Suburban Mom in Dallas, TX reclaiming her political power and sass after a decade in the Gulags of baby-raising. Cheers.

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